Conflict has gotten a bad rap. Often clients seek counseling in hopes of eliminating or minimizing fights. They may want to reassess conflict before hitting the dismiss button.

Interestingly, conflict can actually benefit a relationship and an individual’s identity, if addressed well.

The truth is that there is no real escape. To be in a relationship is to be in conflict, and shrinking from a good fight is potentially not helpful. The goal is to embrace conflict and to develop skills that promote a good fight, not a destructive one. Healthy conflict signals a developed sense of selfhood and begets a healthier relationship with friends, family, and partners.

While unruly conflict can be damaging and worthy of professional attention, I am equally concerned about individuals or couples who do not fight.

Relationships suffer when one person diminishes his or her own personal identity or voice.

Lack of conflict sometimes equates with “de-selfing,” which is a form of self-devaluation. Discovering and exercising our personal identities is necessary to promote inter-and intra-personal health.

While conflict can be healthy, too much can become toxic.  The goal is to be able to find a method and balance to exert one’s opinions and feelings in ways that do not sacrifice identity and yet honor and respect the others.  This the art of the good fight. It requires improved technique and practice along with an outside perspective to provide objectivity.

Along with stewarding one’s selfhood, the good fight is built on a foundation of respectful boundaries.

Learning when to fight and the limitations of one’s role in the fight is the key to maintaining self and respecting the other.  We sometimes find that we are fighting another person’s battles or taking on responsibilities that are not ours. Additional conflict arises. Therapy can help assist in finding clarity and navigating conflict.

Good boundaries ward off unnecessary arguments, diminish anxiety, and allow for better conflict outcomes.

Conflict can escalate rapidly due to faulty communication styles. Anxiety, depression, emotional deregulation, and/or negative cognitions can contribute to our learned relational patterns. Review of communication style underpinnings and practice of more success techniques will help in building personal voice and reframe the way in which we think, feel, and engage with people.

Learning the art of the good fight might significantly improve your relationships with others as well as with yourself.

Written By: Sheri Schulze, LAPC