Making a decision to leave your marriage is probably the most painful and difficult time in one’s life. Question after question can consume your thoughts before you leave your marriage: Will I be ok? Will my children be ok?  What will others think?

Much of the time, each partner is blaming the other for the current state of the marriage.  As I help couples through this process, I encourage each to critically examine these four questions before making a decision to leave their marriage:

1. How did my marriage get here?  Each partner has typically constructed a story from their perspective as to how their marriage got to where it is now.  It can be helpful to identify specific incidents or gridlocked issues to discuss with your partner once you have an opportunity.  What role did YOU play?

2. What have I done to repair my marriage?  Evaluate your efforts and question your consistency and intensity of your repair attempts.  Have you been too hopeless to attempt a repair? Did you not get the response from your partner you needed and gave up?

3. How will the children impact my decision?  This can be one of the most heartbreaking questions to answer before leaving your marriage.  It can be helpful to identify what you value most for your children. A two-parent household?  A happy, healthy parent? Financial advantages?

4. What were our best times?  Often partners forget about times they shared when they were very happy.  Answering this question may help restore hope for you. This may also provide a roadmap back to your partner.

Reaching out to a mental health professional can be instrumental in answering these questions at such an emotional time for you.   You shouldn’t, and don’t have to make this decision alone.

Porsha Jones, LMFT