There’s an old saying: “Good fences make good neighbors.” While it may not literally be true – I have had wonderful neighbors with nary a fence to be found – the point is that having clearly defined boundaries when it comes to relationships can be incredibly beneficial.
A good boundary is one that allows you to show up in the relationship (friendship, romantic relationship, family of origin, etc) without feeling resentful toward the other person.
Good boundaries mean that you can enjoy the other person’s companionship without being focused on how they’ve hurt you or let you down. Good boundaries are incredibly freeing when employed correctly, because they allow you to respect your own needs and others’ autonomy at the same time.
When our boundaries are repeatedly breached, it can lead to a buildup of frustration and resentment, which can be lethal to a relationship. However, it isn’t just up to the other person to respect your boundaries. You are responsible for setting and enforcing your own boundaries.
If you have people in your life who easily respect your boundaries, this is an easier job. However, if someone does not seem capable or willing to respect your boundary, it is up to you to find a way to enforce it if you want to be able to stay in the relationship. You cannot force another person to change their actions or thoughts – you can ask them to, but at the end of the day it is up to them whether or not they are able or willing to make that change.
Clear communication is key here – give the other person a chance to be respectful of your boundaries after you’ve clearly laid them out.
No one can read your mind, so if you are setting boundaries but not letting the other person know, then they are bound to breach them at one point or another. You also need to be willing to follow through – don’t set a boundary if you’re really not willing to enforce it, as it sends a very confusing and mixed message to the other person.
This means that you need to spend some time thinking about what is really important to you, and what you are willing to let go of. If you decide something isn’t worth setting a boundary about, then it becomes your job to find a way to really let it go. This is also known as choosing your battles- pick the things to stand your ground on that directly impact your relationship or how you feel about the other person.
“ I want to be able to invite you to my home, because it’s important to me that you are a part of my day to day life. However, I can only continue to do so if you do not criticize my housekeeping. I understand that you would do things differently, however I am not you. If you don’t feel capable of keeping your criticism to yourself, then it would be best for us to meet elsewhere for our visits so we can both really enjoy our time together.”
“When you regularly call me after 10 pm, it is really disruptive to my nighttime routine. I love talking with you, however at that time of night I’m tired and not able to engage with you the way I want to. If you call me after 10, I’m not going to pick up and I will call you back the next day so we can catch up.”
Then, once you’ve clearly set the boundary, make a decision on how rigid it needs to be.
If it is a habit that the other person is trying to break, and you see them making a clear and concerted effort to do so, then you may be more inclined to give grace when they occasionally slip up. Remind them of your boundary, thank them for all the times they’ve respected it in the past, and ask that they continue the effort.
“Hey, I’ve really noticed that you’ve cut down on the critical comments the last 3 times you visited – that has been so wonderful, and I really enjoyed those visits! I know you’ve been trying really hard and I appreciate your effort. Today, it felt like we returned briefly to how it used to be – could you please try to keep your criticism about my housekeeping to yourself so we can continue to enjoy our time here together?”
However, if you’ve set a boundary and the other person is not making an effort to respect it, or makes a brief effort then goes right back to how they used to handle things, then it’s time to follow through with changes on your end in order to maintain your peace of mind and the quality of the relationship.
Written by: Molly Halbrooks
