Boundaries come up in every area of life: work, social, family, romantic relationships, school, religion, and others. 

Boundaries are especially important if you have concerns related to Substance Abuse or PTSD.

One of the treatment manuals we use when working with Substance Abuse titled: Seeking Safety by Lisa M. Najavits, discusses boundaries in a way that is both clear and concise. 

Ultimately healthy boundaries are: 

• Flexible. You are able to be both close and distant, adapting to the situation. You are able to let go of relationships that are destructive. You are able to connect with relationships that are nurturing. 
• Safe. You are able to protect yourself against exploitation by others. You are able to read cues that someone is abusive or selfish. 
• Connected. You are able to engage in balanced relationships with others and maintain them over time. As conflicts arise, you are able to work them out. 

Boundaries are a problem when they are too close or too distant. Many people have difficulty in both areas. 

Boundaries can be too close (letting people in too much; enmeshed). Do you:

• Have difficulty saying “no” in relationships? 
• Give too much?
• Get involved too quickly?
• Trust too easily?
• Intrude on others (ie:violate other people’s boundaries)?
• Stay in relationships too long?

Boundaries can be too distant (not letting people in enough; detached). Do you:

• Have difficulty saying “yes” in relationships?
• Isolate?
• Distrust too easily?
• Feel lonely?
• Stay in relationships too briefly?

Boundary problems are a misdirected attempt to be loved. By “giving all” to people, you are trying to win them over; instead, you teach them to exploit you. By isolating from others, you may be trying to protect yourself, but then don’t obtain the support you need.

Lisa M. Najavits

It is important to remember that we must set boundaries with ourselves as well as others. This can look like telling ourselves “no” too much as well as telling ourselves “yes” too much. Notice the areas for yourself that boundaries are being violated with yourself as well as others and seek help in re-establishing healthy boundaries. 

One of the treatment manuals we use when working with Substance Abuse & PTSD titled: Seeking Safety by Lisa M. Najavits gives a more in depth picture of what healthy boundaries look like:

1. Boundary problems are a misdirected attempt to be loved. By “giving all” to people, you are trying to win them over; instead, you teach them to exploit you. By isolating from others, you may be trying to protect yourself, but then don’t obtain the support you need. 
2. Healthy boundaries can keep you safe. Learning to say “no” can…keep you from getting AIDS (saying “no” to unsafe sex); keep you from using substances (saying “no” to substances); prevent exploitation (saying “no” to unfair demands); protect you from abusive relationships and domestic violence. Learning to say “yes” can…allow you to rely on others; let yourself be known to others; help you feel supported; get you through tough times. 
3. Setting good boundaries prevents extremes in relationships. By setting boundaries, you can avoid painful extremes: too close versus too distant, giving too much versus too little, idealizing versus devaluing others. Neither extreme is healthy; balance is crucial. 
4. It is important to set boundaries with yourself as well as with others. You may have difficulty saying “no” to yourself. For example, you promise yourself you won’t smoke pot, but then you do. You may overindulge in food, sex, or other addictions. You may say you won’t go back to an abusive partner, but then you do. You may have difficulty saying “yes” to yourself. For example, you may deprive yourself too much by not eating enough, working too hard, not taking time for yourself, or not allowing yourself pleasure. 
5. People with difficulty setting boundaries may violate other people’s boundaries as well. This may appear as setting up “tests” for other people, intruding on other people’s business, trying to control others, or being verbally or physically abusive. 
6. If you physically hurt yourself or others, you need immediate help with boundaries. Hurting yourself or others is an extreme form of boundary violation. It means that you act out your emotional pain through physical abuse. Work with your therapist to set a Safety Contract. 

Written by: Betty Gebhardt