Okay, so we’ve all experienced this with someone we know. Your friend/co-worker/family/spouse makes a comment about something you did. Perhaps their well-meaning directive is meant to be helpful and corrective. But, their suggestion creates a rise in your temperature. In fact, you feel hot, your face feels red, and your response ranges from bristling, to disgust, or maybe even outright hostility. You are feeling defensive. Defensiveness isn’t pretty. It doesn’t create better communication, but usually inhibits quality dialogue.  Defending ourselves often leads to argument and anger. Yet, sometimes it is our most immediate reaction. We want to defend ourselves. It doesn’t feel good to hear something we perceive as negative, whether it’s meant to be or not.

So how do we take a breath, step back and not respond in emotion, but find words that promote understanding?

Take. A. Breath. Literally, take a deep breath, count to 10, hold it as you count to 5, and let it out.

As you let it out, remember your value. Remind yourself of the things at which you excel. You have talents, gifts, and abilities that you can lean on in this moment. You value relationships, and the ability to be known. Keep your values in the forefront of your mind.

Tell yourself the person who made the comment has good qualities, even if you can’t remember them in the moment. Allow yourself more time to think and be intentional about what you are going to say. If you need more time, ask questions, “Tell me more?” “Can you explain what you mean?” “Can you clarify?”

Attempt to gain greater understanding before responding. This helps not only to combat our defensive tendencies, but is just a good rule of communication in general.

If we can, finding the reasons behind our defensiveness may help us in future scenarios. When we become defensive, taking a few minutes to examine what happened, your thoughts about it, your attitude towards the person or topic at hand, and any other extraneous issues that may have contributed to our reaction may help prevent us from reacting like a linebacker sacking the quarterback in the future.
For additional information, this article may help.

Allison Wray, LAPC