Over the last several blog posts I discussed how early experiences imprint intimacy patterns and influence the quality of our relationships. This is particularly so in marriage. Milan and Kay Yerkovich refer to these intimacy imprints as love styles, which impact how we receive and give love. The idea is that by knowing our love styles, we can better understand who we are in a relationship. Once the love style pattern is determined, tailored communication strategies can be targeted which typically result in improved marriage outcomes.
This last love style is really a combination. The victim-controller patterning develops out of similar, early family environments.
The Yerkovich’s found that people raised in chaotic households often feel that relationships are not safe and, therefore, are characterized by low self-esteem and higher anxiety levels.
Perhaps you are wondering if you might fit into this love style. The following statements offer a way to begin to assess your relationship patterns.
- I am loyal even when I realize others are probably exploiting me.
- For most of my life, I have felt unworthy and unlovable.
- A lot of the time my mind is far off, and I feel emotionally flat, detached, and disengaged.
- I feel as though I functioned as the parent in my home when I was growing up.
- When things are calm I get nervous because I know it won’t last, so I’m always waiting for my spouse to get angry or critical.
- I keep my mate from knowing certain things because he or she would be angry.
- My spouse ignores me when I ask him or her to do things a certain way.
- My spouse starts most of our fights because he or she doesn’t listen to what I say.
- It seems that my life is one problem after another, and that means constant stress.
- When other people try to control me or tell me what to do I get angry.
If you find that you identify with at least 3 points, it might be helpful for you to reach out to a counselor for assistance. A therapist can prove to be a good first step in the journey towards learning why we relate the way we do.
Written By: Sheri Schulze, LAPC
