The Price of Silence and Self-Betrayal

In this three-part series, we are going to explore a few communication errors commonly made by couples. Those include the price of silence and self-betrayal in relationship, the price of anger in relationship, and how to have an authentic voice in relationships.

In this first blog, we will discuss the price of silence and self-betrayal. Often, our natural tendency when we are wounded in a relationship is to either withdraw or lash out. However, the inability to address an issue can have an enormous impact on our values, and our personal boundaries.

Frequently I hear my clients say, “I was the peacemaker of the family”. The peacemaker’s job is to steady the family when it is rocking. It is to make sure that everyone maintains the status quo. Therefore, this person often doesn’t stand their ground or speak, act, or even think in a clear, rational manner that is true to their own beliefs and values. Due to their fear of destabilizing the family, their feelings and voice often go unvoiced and unattended to. However, there is value in being able to know what discussion or argument to take a stand and speak up on.

When we stifle or numb emotions, beliefs, or values, our body and our unconscious self will hold onto them.

Harriet Lerner, the author of The Dance of Connection, says that the cost of silence may leave a person susceptible to depression, anxiety, headaches, chronic anger, and bitterness. These are just some of the many ways that failing to take stand can manifest itself.

Being silent is often a learned behavior. Many people believe that it will make things worse for the family unit if they were to speak their mind. Therefore, they will employ silence as a defense mechanism for their family; all the while giving up their voice and sense of self for the family unit.

If you feel you have lost part of yourself, please give us a call and schedule an appointment. Through therapy and personal exploration, we believe you can learn to live a more wholehearted life.


Chelsey Beauchamp, MS