I was always the Mom who couldn’t wait for summer and more time with my kids. I loved long days of kids running through sprinklers, endless crafts, and baseball games. Melancholy would set in around the purchase of school supplies, realizing our unlimited time budget was about to be drastically cut. So you may imagine how I felt the day my oldest child graduated from high school and headed off to college.
The lump in my throat felt like a softball, as I fought the urge to burst into tears with each box we packed. It was a time of both immense pride and sadness at the realization of the change about to take place. I would no longer get my “morning hugs” or hear the “three things that happened in your day” over dinner. I was moving out of my primary role as his Mom-Coach, giving input and cheering wildly from the sidelines, to a Mom-Consultant, whose advice is to be given only when called upon.
It felt like a loss, and I’ve heard and read this from other moms too. It was similar to the grieving process when there is a death. Of course this isn’t a death, and it’s not my intention to overstate it, but the feelings of loss are real and often unexpected. (The grieving process stages are: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and Acceptance.)
My process looked something like this:
Denial– believing for a day or two (after we left him standing beside his college dorm as we drove away) that he’d be walking in the door of our home after school.
Anger– becoming easily irritated by things that wouldn’t have ordinarily bothered me. I became upset with the situation (my son 6 hours away) and angry that I didn’t know his new friends or what he’d had for dinner.
Depression– days of sadness and some crying.
Bargaining– rationalizing “it won’t be long until I see him again.”
Acceptance– my child is growing into a responsible adult who will contribute positively to our society and will be home when he is able to visit.
In grief, we may go from stage to stage, or skip one of the stages completely–it is not a predictable process. But for our emotional health, and that of our children, acceptance is the goal. If you feel like you are stuck in one of the stages other than acceptance, talk to someone.
College is a life-changing experience for parents and children. This year, my youngest graduates and will be attending college 12 hours away from home. Will it be easier this time? Likely not, but at least I know what to expect and expectations are key.
More on how to cope in Part 2 of my Blog.
Allison Wray, LAPC
awray@growcounseling.com
