The message, “Be a man” or “Man up” is the source of great shame for many men and boys. This message often keeps men trapped from being who they really are, and it maintains feelings of isolation. This idea of masculinity is socially regulated by parents, educators, coaches, peers, and through the media.

“He wears a mask, and his face grows to fit it…”

George Orwell

In this blog series will be a review and exploration of the topics discussed in the documentary The Mask You Live In, which features interviews from experts and academics on the issues surrounding our culture’s views on masculinity and the impact it has on our society. The issues brought to light in the documentary have many far-reaching social implications, from parenting, to education, athletics, media, sexuality, and violence.

Check out the movie on iTunes, or Netflix.

Former NFL Player & Coach Joe Ehrman says the message is clear, “Be a man–stop the tears, stop with the emotions.” This message is the source of shame for many men since the first time they hear it as young boys. Showing or talking about feelings is seen as not masculine. Often the expectation is, “If you’re hurt, hold it in.”

Emotions such as fear, sadness, and hurt are seen as weak. These messages also perpetuate the rejection of femininity, which starts from a very young age. According to Psychologist Dr. Michael Thompson, “Boys and girls are far more the same than they are different.”

Society is inundated with messages that suggest being a man means being dominant and always in control. A “real” man never backs down and uses violence to solve his problems. Norms like these are damaging and keep men and boys silent and conforming. It spreads the idea that masculinity is connected to athletic ability, economic success, and sexual conquests. The lie that a real man is sexually dominant is dehumanizing for both males and females.

These “masculine” expectations are often about proving yourself through comparison and competition. Any interests outside of these expectations are typically not seen as valuable, or even seen as less masculine. These expectations set up men for failure because they can never really be good enough or man enough. In reality, these messages about masculinity have nothing to do with what it means to be a man.

Stay tuned for part two!

Dustin Ellis, CIT

dellis@growcounseling.com