If you have ever wondered why your kid continues to do the opposite of what you ask them to do, then you can join the thousands of parents who I’m sure have asked the same question for centuries. Like you, your kids chose their behavior for a reason, however the reasons that your kid chooses to misbehave may be different than what you thought. There are 4 main reasons kids misbehave:

• To get noticed–  Whining, nagging for a toy, or complaining about their sibling are common behaviors kids do to get noticed. Parents often feel annoyed by this type of behavior and react to it with reminders and punishment. Instead try: Ignore the behavior and only give attention when the kid is not doing the behavior.

• To feel powerful– Refusing to clean up their room or not eating their dinner are common behaviors that lead to power struggles between parents and kids. Parents often feel angry with these types of behaviors and start throwing out consequences and punishment to try to get the power back. Instead try: stop arguing with the kid and tell your kid you need time to calm down. Once you have calmed down return to the child’s misbehavior.

• To get back at you– Name-calling or messing up the house or their room are common behaviors to get back at you after feeling they lost a power struggle with you. Parents often feel hurt, angry, or sad with these types of behaviors and start doing or saying things to hurt the kid back. Instead try: Saying you hear that they are hurt and you want to understand why they are hurting.

• Lack of confidence in themselves– Refusing to complete a task in the middle of it, such as homework or a new chore. Parents often feel frustrated and end up joining their kid by giving up on their child. Instead try: Encouraging your kid or maybe teaching them new ways of completing the task. One of the most important responses to this type of misbehavior is not giving up on your kid.

When your kid is misbehaving knowing why they are misbehaving and how you are feeling as a result of their misbehavior can go a long way in helping you determine how you want to response to the behavior.

Adapted for S.T.E.P program by Rudolf Dreikurs

Jennifer Wilmoth, LAMFT
jwilmoth@GROWcounseling.com