When the holidays arrive many people go home to spend time with family and friends, some travel across town and others travel across the country to be with loved ones. For some adults going home can be bitter sweet; looking forward to family traditions, but not wanting the family drama that follows. Some common family dynamics that lead to drama are talking about other family members behind their backs, bringing another family member into a conflict, and siblings trying to outdo each other. This can be difficult because often it is the same family patterns adults experienced growing up that have hurt them or made them mad throughout the years. So the big question is how do you survive the family drama over the holidays?
Here are 4 tips to help you avoid family drama during the holidays:
- 1. Talk about expectations of the holidays events:
As the family changes with marriages, deaths, and births expectations for how the holidays are spent change too. So it is important to talk about a desire to change the holiday events or plans or for them to remain the same each year to reduce conflict and disappointment among family members.
- 2. Refuse to join the argument:
Think of three people in an argument as a triangle to stay out of… to add some fun to this you can turn it in a game of looking for all the triangles that happen during the holidays between family members or friends to help you from creating another. The reason a third person entering the conflict is not helpful is because the other two people will likely not resolve their issues with each other and they will start to use the third person as a buffer between them.
- 3. Be yourself:
When you do not see your family but once or twice a year the holidays can become like a class reunion where people are putting on a face to impress or outdo others. This happens often between siblings which is often a continuation of sibling rivalry that started many years ago. Try being yourself without trying to outdo someone else and see how things change.
- 4. Stay away from using 3 words:
Here are the big 3…Never, Should, and Always. These three words can lead to arguments because people often get defensive when they hear these words in conversations. So instead of saying your sister never helps plan the holiday events, try saying you have not helped very much with the holiday planning the last two years and I wish you were more involved.
I hope these tips help you and ours have a happy holiday season.
Jennifer Wilmoth, LAMFT
jwilmoth@ GROWcounseling.com
