Conflict in marriage is what brings many couples into counseling. With two unique individuals coming together, values, opinions, and personality traits are bound to collide.

According to John Gottman, a leading research scientist on marriage and family, all marital conflicts fall into one of two categories: either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be part of your lives forever in some form or another.

Perpetual problems tend to be the most prevalent of marital conflicts according to Gottman’s research. Surprisingly, despite the presence of this type of conflict, couples can still remain very satisfied with their marriage. How does this seem possible? If couples are able to create ways of effectively managing their unsolvable problems so that they don’t overwhelm the relationship, they maintain the capacity to remain satisfied in the marriage. Solvable problems may sound or appear easy to conquer, but they too require couples to establish an intentional approach that includes respect, openness, compromise, and compassion.

Effective problem-solving skills take patience and time to master conflict as a couple.

Working with a therapist can help you and your partner begin the conversations that are necessary for identifying the barriers to resolution. If you’re interested in learning more about how perpetual and solvable problems are impacting your marriage, Gottman has created a questionnaire, “Assessing Your Marital Conflicts” in his best seller, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” where he dedicates three chapters on marital conflict and several practical approaches to help you solve and manage these challenges.

Adapted from Gottman, J.M. (2015). THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK. NEW YORK: HARMONY BOOKS.

Written By: Michelle Rathburn, LAMFT