Are you concerned about your relationship because you argue pretty often? Studies suggest that arguing 1 time a week can actually be healthy for a relationship because it can open up the lines of communication.
Ok, let me clarify a few things. There is a big difference between arguing and fighting. Fighting can consist of combative behavior like yelling, name calling, ignoring the other person, bringing up the past, and remaining problem focused. There is no respect for difference of opinion; conflict is unresolved; and a very destructive cycle can begin.
Arguing on the other hand can be a healthy way to express your point of view in a non-combative way: with calm voices, mutual respect, and a focus on finding a solution to resolve conflict or a difference of opinion. It is important that each person in a relationship is heard and understood by the person they love the most. If conflict is dealt with properly it can actually bring couples closer together.
How to Make Your Arguing Productive
- Pick a time when it will be quiet and put a time limit on the conversation. For example: after the kids are put to bed for 30 minutes
- Tune out technology! Shut off the TV and your phones.
- Take turns presenting a topic; switch off from week to week. Start with lighter topics such as the dishes didn’t get done or the dry-cleaning was forgotten again.
- Set a timer. After 15 minutes of uninterrupted talking, which includes presenting the issue AND possible SOLUTION, allow your partner to discuss their feelings about the topic and present a possible SOLUTION over the next 15 min.
- Both partners should phrase their concerns with “I feel” sentences and avoid using ALWAYS or NEVER.
- HOLD HANDS or sit KNEE to KNEE to visually emphasize the strong bond you two share in the midst of conflict or a disagreement.
- A time out may be needed if one or both of you get angry.
Porsha Williams, LAMFT
Pwilliams@ GROWcounseling.com
