All children struggle with something in life. For some, it is reading or math. For some, it is learning to tolerate the word “no.” For others, it is making and keeping friends their own age. Many parents feel incredibly helpless as they watch their child struggle socially, because while there are tutors for academics and behavior programs and aides for children who don’t respond well to discipline, social interactions can’t be forced and parental involvement is not always the best solution when it comes to helping your child make friends.

There are, however, a few things you can do to ease your child’s path to making and keeping good friends.

• Help your child identify the things at which he or she excels. Confidence is always attractive, and if your child feels confident in one area, it will bleed into social interactions. Joining a group, club, or team in something your child is good at can also facilitate natural friendships, as kids find common ground and have something they both enjoy to talk about.
• Reinforce positive social behaviors. Just as you would reinforce them doing something correctly at home, like helping with the dishes, reinforcing positive social behaviors will lead to more of that behavior. Try to catch your son or daughter interacting positively, and highlight that behavior privately later. For example, if you see your child on the playground taking turns on the swings, you could mention in the car on the way home how proud you were to see them taking turns and how the other kids must have appreciated it.
• Try to let go of your expectations for what your child should be doing. Maybe you were a social butterfly in school, always surrounded by a group of people, while your son or daughter seems to be happy to have just one or two close friends. Not all children are the same, and what was right for you may not be right for your child. Try to adjust to what seems to help your child thrive. Taking the pressure off will not only help your child, but will also relieve the stress on you.
• Model appropriate behavior. If your daughter has a hard time expressing anger, and gets into fights, do your best to show (not just tell!) her how to appropriately handle a disagreement. If your son seems to ignore others’ wants and needs, then in your day to day interactions be mindful of the wants and needs of those you come in contact with. Your kids may not seem like they are paying attention, but the more you show them in your day to day life how to positively interact with others, the more they will demonstrate that in their own life.

Molly Halbrooks, LAMFT
mhalbrooks @ growcounseling.com